Saturday 18 December 2010, 6:00 am
So, what’s on your list of questions for today?
There is no list today, but I would like to pick up where we left off last week. Topics which seem to create a reaction in you.
What do you believe are the things we talked about which created a reaction?
In a positive or negative way?
Both, I would like you to begin with whichever makes you least uncomfortable.
These interviews seem to be of a genuine interest and you did not push the topic of Bridgeport, which led me to believe this is all unrelated to my father.
Are those positive or negative things?
They are not negative.
In other words, things that are of honest curiosity and intent, are those things you do not associate with your father?
That is correct, yes.
Tell me about things which create a negative reaction in you.
Bridgeport, Roger and Josephine.
Bridgeport is a place you associate with both your parents?
It is, yes.
Last week, you mentioned that not a day goes by when you don’t think of Bridgeport.
That is accurate.
How often do you visit?
When is the last time you were there?
About one decade in the past.
So, the place where you were born, you don’t visit at all, but you think of it daily?
When, you put it that way, yes.
Who, from your family remains in Bridgeport?
Josephine is buried there. Hank looks after the house where I was raised and as I said last week, Roger disappeared the instant Josephine passed. He is no longer in Bridgeport.
If you were to put into words what Bridgeport means to you, what would it sound like?
Bridgeport holds everything I ever learned about building a connection: abandonment, which is also to say the reason I don’t wander into the lives of the women I meet. There is a lot I don’t know about what happened in Bridgeport and how Josephine died. It all lurks in my mind and wandering in Monte Vista was supposed to be a temporary solution. At least, until I was ready to return. It has been almost one decade. I have grown comfortable and alone.
Is that to say you correlate comfort with being alone?
I suppose I do, yes…
well, so, the sun is about to rise.
He pauses and becomes silent as he faces the ocean.
He has a smile on his face, as if the time it takes for the sun to rise is also the time when he experiences peace.
What is it about the sunrise you enjoy most?
Nothing prevents the sun from rising.
[Everything about this conversation reminded me of how the Mourning dove yearns to build a connection, so much so that it created a specific sound, a song, to attract a mate. Trent is what happens when a dove never inherits such trait.]
Where do you want me to go?
Those words wait for me everywhere…
After all the nights of rest,
after all the laughs and tears
that have slipped away,
after all I hate, all I admire
in this chain of change,
comes the strange refrain
that drives me to despair.
Is it you, my father? You boast
that all those charming women
in your life loved you too much.
Is this my mother, singing
in her wretched grave?
—Rainer Maria Rilke