Take me by the hand,
it’s so easy for you, Angel,
for you are the road
even while being immobile.
You see, I’m scared no one
here will look for me again;
I couldn’t make use of
whatever was given,
so they abandoned me.
At first solitude
charmed me like a prelude,
but so much music wounded me.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Saturday 18 December 2010, 7:00 am
You mentioned that it was from abandonment you learned about building a connection.
I think you misunderstood or perhaps I was not very clear. It was in Bridgeport, I learned about being left behind. As an adult, it is something one can adjust to or make choices. As a child, most things are beyond one’s control. Much of what happened in Bridgeport, was beyond mine.
How have you adjusted?
Josephine, she had a very natural loving kindness about her. It is what I remember. Then she was gone. At first I honored her memory by continuing to play, just as she did. Once I grew out of adolescence, music had become everything. By then I realized it was not for her I continued to play, it was the only link I had to her. I haven’t found a balance nor have I adapted to the idea of letting go of this one connection to her.
Is finding balance something you seek?
At this time, no. It is all I have left, of her.
What choices have you made?
I don’t remember much about Roger, but the things I have learned about him are everything I choose not to become. Leaving Bridgeport was a choice. It was a relief, initially.
What was it a relief from?
The constant lurking thoughts about the truth of her death. I have always felt there was more to what happened and about why Roger left. Hank knows the truth but it is something I have not been prepared to learn. And so, Monte Vista happened.
You said it was initially a relief, when did it stop being as such?
Once I realized, the relief was temporary. Leaving Bridgeport physically behind did not remove the thoughts in my mind. It was about the same time I discovered Rilke, I had something to focus on, to build music to. It became a need, and while the thoughts remained, Rilke’s work reduced how much the thoughts impacted my day-to-day life. Or maybe it became less noticeable.
Was moving to Monte Vista a positive experience for you?
It was something of my own, independent of the past. A place where my family is unknown. A place where I could be alone. But it has also become the place, where I hide.
Would you say passion can be found in isolation?
I am uncertain, I don’t consider myself to be in complete isolation.
Yes, you do seem to interact with people, if they interact with you.
That sounds, accurate.
Have there been people, namely women, who make it beyond a simple greeting?
I would say, no.
What is your reaction to the women who greet you?
Well, so, before I answer that question, let me ask you this…next week most people spend the holidays with their families. I would imagine we will not meet next week, correct?
Yes, that is correct. We can schedule the next interview after the New Year.
My answer to your question? You will find it in Gestures.
Is that something written by Rilke?
It is, yes.
[Writer’s note: while there was every intention of continuing these interviews, they never actually continued, and so, this is the last of them.]